


Five Times The Atlantis Expedition Ended up on the Colbert Report

by Rhianona



Category: Colbert Report, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-01
Updated: 2007-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 12:30:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhianona/pseuds/Rhianona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times the team Atlantis ended up on the Colbert Report</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times The Atlantis Expedition Ended up on the Colbert Report

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: [Insert Witty Comment here] SGA and the Colbert Report do not belong to me
> 
> The Colbert Report occasionally has a segment called "shout out" whereby Colbert recognizes a fan or fans of the show who has written to him, usually from a remote place, by reading a portion of their letter to him on air and showing a picture of them. Three of the segments follow that format.

(1)

It was a testament to how use they were to people doing random things that no one questioned why Chuck, the Canadian gate technician, was going around taking pictures of the Atlantis team. Most figured he had picked up a new hobby on their enforced trip to Earth after the Ancients returned. Dr. McKay was loudly heard to declare that it was some nefarious plot by the goons at the Pentagon to make sure that they were actually still working for the SGC and not running their own little independent operation. Sheppard just laughed at that while Elizabeth had tried very hard to assure Rodney that General O'Neill at least understood why they had done what they had. It didn't seem to calm him down.

So Chuck went around, snapping photographs: a table of marines eating lunch in the mess hall; Doctors McKay and Zelenka arguing in the physics lab with Colonel Sheppard standing between them laughing at whatever they were arguing about; Dr. Weir with Colonel Sheppard's gate team before they left on a mission; Doctors Simpson, Kusanagi and Beckett with Lieutenant Cadman and Major Lorne on the mainland during a rare day off. The expedition team grew used to seeing him going around with his ever-present camera, taking pictures at the least expected moment.

And then he stopped. The camera went away. At first no one said anything but then curiosity overcame natural politeness (plus gossip was kind of low at the moment) and someone asked Chuck where his camera was. He shrugged and smiled mysteriously. After a while, people forgot about his short-lived hobby. That was until the _Daedalus_ returned from Earth. Among her supplies and personnel, she carried various entertainments for the crew: DVDs of recently released films; DVRs of beloved television shows requested by the Atlantis crew; mail from loved ones and friends; and video games and a few of the new PS3 and Wii systems (and no one was exactly sure how _that_ had happened. Clearly the US military had friends in high places – or at least in the gaming industry.).

So it was that not long after the _Daedalus_ once again departed from Atlantis that a number of the expedition members were sitting in the rec room watching some taped television shows. They had set up a schedule, rotating through the selection, taking care to make sure that the people who had actually requested the television show were available to watch it. Among the more popular shows to watch were _The Daily Show with Jon Stewart _ and _The Colbert Report_. Whenever the shows appeared on the schedule, people knew to get there early if they wanted a seat.

They were watching an episode of _The Colbert Report_ when stunned silence permeated the room.

"Nation, it's time for a very special _Colbert Report_ shout out," Stephen announced. A little picture of him shouting "HEY!" appeared on the lower left hand corner of the screen. The audience laughed and Stephen grinned widely, pushing up his glasses. "This one goes out to those heroes taking part in the Pegasus Project, located in a very remote place that our heroes can't talk about. Our hero writes "There are few things that we as a whole enjoy, but your constant fight for truthiness and freedom helps us remember why we are here." An inset of a picture that was very clearly taken on Atlantis since there was nowhere on Earth that the particular background existed appeared on the screen. Colonel Sheppard, Major Lorne, and Lieutenant Cadman, all dressed in field gear, their tac vests on, their P-90s attached; Sheppard, his hair as wild as ever and wearing his aviator glasses looked the epitome of cool as he laughed at whatever Lorne and Cadman were telling him; Lorne's grin, cocky as always, was wide enough to split his face, while Cadman, her hair stuffed under her beret seemed to be arguing some point to her senior officers. They all look relaxed, as if they are having a good time. Behind them were what were obviously squads of soldiers, also rigged out in field gear. Sheppard thought he remembered when the picture was taken: they had just returned from some military exercises on the mainland, a way to see how the troops were handling being back in Pegasus.

"According to Sergeant Campbell, this represents a rare moment of calm at their workplace. He says he can't tell us where they are or what they do except that it is extremely dangerous." Stephen turned to another camera. "Heroes, I salute you and thank you for spreading freedom. When you return from wherever you are, you can take comfort that you have spread the word of America's greatness. To help you remember the importance of spreading truthiness and the American way, I am sending you special _Colbert Report_ tee-shirts." Stephen pulled up a dark blue tee shirt with the _Colbert Report_ logo. With a smile, he said, "We'll be right back."

Stunned silence reigns in the room as someone hits the pause button. As one, they turn to their unassuming gate technician. Chuck squirmed under their combined stares.

"I thought this was a top secret project! I realize you're not the genius I am, but doesn't top secret and classified mean something to you? I can't believe you _wrote_ to someone about Atlantis and included a picture." Dr. McKay said loudly, breaking the silence. Pausing, he continued, something like a bit of awe in his voice, "How did you get this past the SGC?"

"Um… I thought it would be a nice surprise?" he replied nervously. "I mean, I figured if there was a problem, they wouldn't send it to the studio."

"Rodney!" Elizabeth said, neatly intercepting him before he can continue to berate Chuck. "I don't think the SGC would have allowed this to go on the air if there was any chance of being compromised." She turned to Chuck. "This is, well, a surprise. Perhaps next time you can clear it with me before you send pictures of another galaxy to someone on Earth?" she suggested gently.

Chuck nodded vigorously. He didn't think there was a chance of that happening, but knew that he's lucky he's not in more trouble.

"This is so cool!" John broke out, a grin on his face. "We were on _The Colbert Report_! I bet SG-1 never managed that!" As a chorus of Colonels and Sheppards echoed the room, several pillows hit him, before laughter erupted in the room and the show was turned on again.

Once again, disaster in the Pegasus galaxy has been averted.

(2)

Teyla had learned to appreciate Earth's culture in the years since she had allied with the Atlantis expedition. Due to the nature of their initial expedition, she had not seen many examples of what they called movies or television shows – most people were very careful when selecting their one personal item. Still, as soon as the _Daedalus_ began to make regularly scheduled runs to the Pegasus Galaxy, she had been introduced to a variety of entertainments. John had instituted a team night – he claimed it was to build team bonds. Rodney just snorted and said it was so the team could use the rec room with the nicer screen. John had looked hurt at that but then flashed a grin before telling Rodney that he couldn't bring his laptop with him and had to actually watch the movie or television show chosen for the night. Despite grumbling, Rodney had acquiesced. Teyla suspected that their behavior was simply a matter of form for them – that people expected them to act that way.

Rodney and John, as well as some of the other scientists and soldiers who occasionally joined them, seemed to enjoy something John described as the best fake news show ever. Teyla wasn't really sure what he meant, and truthfully she didn't get most of what had those from Earth laughing quite loudly. Still, after she found out that if one wrote to the host of _The Colbert Report_ one could get his or her name and picture on the show she decided to do so and surprise her teammates.

She found a picture of Rodney arguing with Dr. Zelenka in the mess hall with Dr. Beckett, Elizabeth and John sitting at the same table. She carefully enclosed it with a letter to Mr. Colbert.

_Dear Mr. Colbert,  
We do not have a lot of entertainment where we are and indeed, we often must wait quite a number of weeks before we can watch a new episode of your show. When we get a new episode, it becomes a team event. I have heard it often remarked that they wish nothing more than to help promote your ideals. My team members believe your show to be one of the only shows on television that "shows it like it is." It would mean much to them if you could do a "shout-out" to them. They miss home even if they do not speak of it.   
Blessings upon you.  
Teyla Emmagon_

Taking the letter, she put it within a package she was sending to Dr. Jackson of SG-1. She had thought long and hard on whom to enlist for help in this and thought he would be the one to get it to the appropriate spot.

_Three weeks later_   
Daniel grinned as he opened the package from Colonel Sheppard's teammate Teyla. She had sent him a beautiful textured rug, writing that the pattern was an old one of her people's. She had included several of her people's myths as well in the letter he was reading and he found it very interesting to see how mythology in Pegasus had developed differently than that in his own, while still sharing some similarities. He supposed that was due to the Ancients. His smiled widened as he read her last request. _If it would be allowed, can you please send the enclosed package to Mr. Stephen Colbert? I believe it would be a wonderful and welcome surprise to Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay if they were to appear on his show._ Daniel turned the sealed envelope in his hands, knowing he would have to read it to make sure she had not breached national security. If she had, he would write the letter for her; it was only fair that her wishes be upheld. He grinned as he thought of Jack's reaction if it actually aired. It was too good an opportunity to miss.

_Four months later_  
Teyla had received a letter from Dr. Jackson along with a DVD case in the latest _Daedalus_ run.

_Dear Teyla,  
Thank you for your package; it was quite lovely and much appreciated. I wish I had time to return to Atlantis so I could learn more about your people. Unfortunately the situation with the Ori is becoming increasingly heated and it doesn't look like I will be able to make it out there for some time.   
I took care of your request and I think you will enjoy the result (see the enclosed DVD). Write and tell me their reaction. ☺_

Teyla smiled broadly. It was quite fortuitous that tonight was a team night. She would request that they watch her choice. It would be most enjoyable to see their reactions.

(3)

After they had been kicked out of Atlantis and Rodney had been assigned to Area 51, he decided to write a book on wormholes. Nothing classified, naturally, but nonetheless, since it appeared that he would be stuck on Earth for the foreseeable future, he might as well remind the rest of the incredibly idiotic physicists that he was smarter than they.

Surprisingly, he wrote the book quickly; it served as a means of venting for him. Whenever his minions frustrated him he locked himself in his office and wrote. When his feelings of loneliness threatened to overwhelm him – there were only so many times a day he could call Sheppard or Carson after all and Elizabeth wasn't returning his calls – he turned to the book. Writing turned out to be very cathartic. He never would have guessed.

After it was finished, he sent it to a publisher. Surprisingly, the publisher loved it. Rodney really hadn't paid much attention to the phone call, but the editor Ms. Smith or Smitherson or something like that said something about it being so _accessible_ to the man on the street and it was _just_ what they were looking for.

Of course, he promptly forgot about it when he and Sheppard (and Carson and Elizabeth) took a little trip back to Pegasus. So imagine his surprise when he was forced to return to Earth to select the scientists who were to return to Atlantis (the SGC were punishing him. He just knew it! They didn't want him to discover the ten million things that the Ancients had activated in the city upon their return and what they did. Bastards.) and received a frantic call from Ms. Smithers or whatever her name was.

"But you don't understand! I'm only going to be in the country for a week!" he yelled at her.

Somehow, without him even being aware of it, Rodney found himself on a plane to New York, being met by his editor and being dragged to various media studios where he was apparently expected to promote his book. By the time he arrived at the last place on his docket, he was tired, grumpy and wanted nothing more than to get back to Atlantis. He also had newfound respect for Ms. Smitherson – he bet she could even cow Ronon into obeying her. He's not really paying attention as the director explained to him the format of the show. He was more concerned about his cup of rapidly cooling coffee. As the director asks him a question, he simply waved his hand and snapped, "Yes, yes. Fine."

Rodney waited backstage, sipping his coffee and calculating the hours he had until he could return to Atlantis. He was very happy this was his last stop in the media blitz arranged by the Smithers woman. As the director motioned him to take a seat on stage, he sighed. He just wanted this over with!

What followed was one of the funniest interviews ever seen on the show; Rodney outtalked Stephen, insulted his intelligence, shouted incoherently and in general, acted as if he were in his lab in Atlantis. Every time Stephen attempted to direct the conversation by saying something utterly ridiculous, Rodney just blinked at him, opened his mouth and out poured his thoughts on the stupidity of the American people.

After the show, Stephen came up to him and thanked him for the interview, saying it had been fun. He noted that most of his guests weren't so lively. His editor on the other hand, looked as if she were about to have an apoplexy. Rodney just shrugged her off and reminded her that he was done. He left directly for La Guardia and took the next flight to Colorado Springs. He wanted to go home.

Imagine his surprise when word came to him that his book was a national best seller, and up for all sorts of book prizes.

(4)

After several years on Atlantis, Elizabeth had taken a forced vacation back to Earth. As an intellectual exercise, she had begun to write a book on negotiation. She used her diplomatic experience to show examples of successful negotiations. When she returned to Earth, it got sent to an academic publisher, who loved it. The editor who recommended it for publication gave it a snappy title: _Negotiation: Diplomacy without Bombs_ and shopped it to some of the bigger publishers for great distribution. All this led to her being invited to promote the book. Unfortunately for Elizabeth, all of the touring simply reinforced her growing belief that the book was actually a lie. Oh not the events themselves, but the practical application of using negotiation to forgo war seemed naïve. Had not her experience in Pegasus shown that? Still, she persevered, arguing that peaceful negotiations were possible in the vast majority of cases and that war and bombs simply resulted from impatience on the part of the different parties. It kept her publishers happy and it meant less stress for her, even as she grew to hate the message she was promoting.

It all came to a head when she appeared on _The Colbert Report_. As Stephen made snide comments on academia and the ivory tower she represented; derision dripping from his voice as he called her an intellectual, Elizabeth smiled patiently, her public mask firmly in place. It was when he finally asked if she thought that negotiations would bring peace to even the most recalcitrant of parties that she broke. Her mind flitted to the Genii, and all the others on Pegasus who had attacked the expedition members often without provocation. No matter how much she tried the diplomatic route, what often worked was the opposite. Even as Stephen looked on bewildered, she couldn't stop laughing as she shook her head.

Finally she looked at him and said "Stephen, sometime, even though we want to promote peace, even if our entire career has been promoting peace, the only solution is a military one."

Elizabeth cancelled the rest of her tour and spent the rest of her vacation in the French countryside. She needed to relax and forgot, just for a short time, how much Pegasus had changed her. She didn't always think it was for the best.

(5)

Jeannie Miller was always surprised to receive the package of letters and photos from her brother. She honestly hadn't expected him to keep his promise of being a better brother. He managed to surprise her though, as without fail, she received a thick packet from him every two months or so. And it wasn't just letters from him. His teammates and colleagues often included small notes, or items. Jeannie savored all of them, and this, if nothing else, convinced her that Mer had changed.

While she enjoyed reading the letters she received, and often oohed and aahed over the knick-knacks sent to her, it was the photos that really pleased her. She got a big kick out of seeing her brother interacting with other members of the expedition. It made her happy to see him most often with his team, or Dr. Zelenka or Carson. She was glad he had finally found his place in the world.

In the latest round of letters, nearly everyone mentioned how annoyed they were that the _Daedalus_ had neglected to send them the newest _The Colbert Report_ episodes as they requested. Instead, they had gotten some god awful Lifetime movies with the swooning and weeping women who were beat up by their abusive husband/boyfriend/stranger, or were dying of cancer. Even the women on Atlantis had turned their noses up at that! Jeannie smiled as she thought of something perfect to help cheer them up. She carefully selected one of the photos sent in the most recent pack. It was one of her favorites: it pictured Mer's gate team, all fitted out for going off world. What she loved about it was that it clearly illustrated the relationship between the members. Ronon stood behind, his body hidden by John and Mer, who were clearly snarking at each other, while Teyla stood next to Mer, a look of tolerance on her face as she smiled wryly at her two teammates. Ronon looked both protective and menacing as the camera captured his amusement at the John and Mer show.

Jeannie tucked the photo carefully in the envelope with her letter to Stephen Colbert. What she had written was short and to the point, but also sweet. _ My brother is stationed in a very remote area and while he is a pain and probably doesn't deserve something this nice, a shout out on your show would go a long way to remind him that all the sacrifices he is making are worth something and that he is still remembered and loved._

It wasn't a lot but it was something. She rather thought that Mer deserved a bit of recognition, even if she couldn't tell the truth of what he was doing. And she would never ever admit that she was proud of him. After all, she had a sisterly duty to not inflate his ego!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, it was just going to be the first part, but then I got to thinking what would happen if Teyla had sent a picture to the show, or Jeannie or if Rodney was a guest on there. And this was the result. And yes, I'm aware that it is next to impossible to get a book written and picked up for publishing in 6 weeks. Just go with it.


End file.
